Mama said there'd be days like this

Oh how I would love to get in a car and just drive. Maybe down a country road, maybe to a park, or maybe just to Sonic for a sweet tea. This is my longing, my forever unsatisfied need. We all need to get away. The freedom to go where there are people, new things, new scenery - that to me seems like a balm for the soul. But then, I wouldn’t really know, would I?
One of my escapes from the invisible bonds of blindness has always been writing. In my fiction, I always have characters driving. It is my own need for freedom spilling onto the page. But my current work in progress isn’t fiction. I’m writing about my experiences as a blind parent. No driving, no escapism there. My intent was for it to be an informative yet humorous look at how I overcame my challenges. But right now, I’m not feeling the overcoming part. So the book, it’s not really going anywhere. I’m not writing. The few regular readers of this blog will not be surprised. No writing means no escapism. I’m here. Right here. Always here.
Yesterday was one of those “walls closing in” kind of days. I recognized the boredom, the loneliness, the sucking sense of stagnation. I wanted to get. Out. Of. This. House. But alas, it was not to be. So Sprout and I decided to play outside. Our backyard is completely childproof. Unfortunately, it is not always completely blindproof. In anticipation of the mowers coming, Michael had moved all the yard toys onto the deck. Fine, except that one of the yard toys was a new kiddie pool. And it had rained. So there was a big pool of dirty water in the middle of the deck. I steered Sprout toward his water table, which he loves, instead. Inexplicably, the water table was completely empty of water. Well hell. So I traipsed through the jungle that is our yard (the mowers had not come after all) to find the water hose, the very long water hose, which I had to thread through my hands for an interminable length of time until I found its end. Did I mention it was also muddy? So mud-stained and annoyed, I did manage to fill up Sprout’s water table. Point Kimberly. Except that apparently, Sprout has two water tables, and the one he likes was not the one I had filled up. Frustration mounted. Okay, how about let’s play bubbles instead? So I searched around for bubbles. No bubbles. At this point, I was running on sheer determination. I went back in the house. I knew Sprout had got some bubbles for his birthday. His birthday gifts were in the closet of his new big boy room, the room that is presently being painted. Irritated at my own incompetence to even get some damn bubbles for my kid, I charged into the room, tripping over paint cans and God only knows what all. The universe finally decided to have mercy on me, and none of the paint cans were open, and the paint on the walls had dried. And I found the freakin’ bubbles! Score! So back outside with bubbles. And the fun lasted about two minutes until Sprout wanted to do something else. I’ll spare you the rest. Suffice it to say that it would have made for excellent slapstick. Except that I wasn’t finding the humor in it. In fact, after another twenty minutes I was sobbing uncontrollably, and Sprout was singing me a lullaby, which is the only thing he knows to do to comfort somebody who is crying. Some days, I can’t help thinking that my precious boy deserves better.
No one wants negativity. Everybody wants an inspiring story of how people struggle nobly and overcome obstacles. But you know what, it ain’t all rainbows and lollypops, folks. It’s hard. Sometimes, it is really hard. And sometimes, I feel like dropping the persona and just spilling the truth of how hard it is right onto the page. And since this is my blog…
Sometimes I just want to get in the car and leave it behind, if only for a few minutes. I am an eternal fifteen year old, craving the wheels the cool kids have. I can’t drive that car. I can only write. And sometimes, the places I’ll take you won’t be sunny and bright.

Happy 3rd Birthday, Sprout

Dear Sprout,
You are three years old today. I stand at the end of the three most wonderful and challenging years of my life. You have taught me, inspired me, thrilled me, terrified me, frustrated me, and amazed me over the last three years. “The days are long, but the years are short,” is said of parenting, and I find it absolutely true. You are without a doubt a big boy now. Your legs are long and straight, no more the chubby curls that they once were. You’re long and lean and getting longer and leaner everyday. Sometimes, like when you’re sleeping or fresh from a bath and all warm and rosy skinned, I see the baby you once were, and I hold you close against me in a vain attempt to hold the moment forever. Just as often these days, I see glimpses of the man you’ll become, still sensitive and loving, but also driven and sharp-eyed. Do not blame me, my son, that I grieve just a bit for the baby you were. I am in gleeful awe at your every achievement, but I also feel the pangs of your success because every step takes you further from the baby boy you were. Even as I am saddened, I am joyous too. This, I always think, this is the best age. But then you grow and I revise. No, this, this is the best age. Because each age is wonderful, because they are all you, my precious boy. They are all you and for whatever reason - a gift from God or a cosmic alignment - I was chosen to get the best seat in the house to watch your journey, sometimes helping, sometimes directing, sometimes just cheering you on. This journey that you’re on, it’s my journey too, and more than anything else in my life, I am honored to share it with you.
I treasure these present days because you tell me everything you are thinking. for so long, I had to wonder about your thoughts, never knowing for sure, and someday all too soon, you’ll guard your inner landscape from me, each tidbit of information a carefully weighed and examined morsel before being given to me. But right now, right now I am your best friend. Not perhaps your entire world anymore, but certainly still the center of it. Despite the demands of that role, there is nowhere I’d rather be. You are such a big talker. Your imagination is awesome. You and I spend hours a day in games of pretend. “You be Rosie and I’ll be Thomas,” you’ll say, handing me the purple wooden choo choo train that will be my persona for the next hour. I am convinced that you are simply the smartest, most perfect little boy in the whole world.
The next year will challenge both of us. Your baby sister will be arriving in August. It’ll be an adjustment for both of us, another journey we’ll take together. Be patient with me, my little man. Know that my love for you is infinite. You might have to share my time and attention, but you’ll never have to settle for a diminished portion of my love. My heart has no bounds where you are concerned. You will be a wonderful big brother. Your baby sister will shower you with more love than you’ll be able to handle. I’m sure that sometimes, that love will irritate you beyond bearing. Just hang in there. You and I will be in it together.
You are my beautiful boy. People assume that it makes me sad that I can’t see you. What they don’t realize is that I do see you. I see you with a mother’s heart. I know what the top of your head smells like when you sleep, what the curve of your cheek, still chubby, feels like, the indescribable way your arms feel around my neck. I know, in that way exclusive to mommies, and maybe daddies, the brightness of your soul. I know what you look like better than any person ever will know it. I knew you when you were nothing but a fluttering in my womb. There was no seeing you then, but I knew you. Your brilliant beauty can never be understood by sight alone. It is a brilliance that I am blessed to know every second of every day. Right now, you’re starting to understand that Mommy is different. Before, you used to just put things in everybody’s hands for them to see, but now, I can tell that you notice a difference between Mommy and other people. It’s no wonder. You are such a smart little boy. I still make like I can see things – your pretty new train, the card you made me for Mother’s Day, etc. These are small untruths, ones that I hope you never hold against me. The time for such minor deception is drawing to a close, I know. Soon, you and I will have to have the discussion, the hard discussion, about how Mommy can’t see. No, not the train, not the card, not your smile. Do not blame me, dear boy, for postponing that as long as possible. Once you understand the reality of it all, I fear I will never be the same in your eyes. Please, do not blame me for wanting this time, just as it is, for as long as I can have it.
You are able to tell me when you are scared or unsure now. I hold you close and tell you that Mommy and Daddy will never ever let anything hurt you. I pray that such will be true forever, but I know it will not be. But you don’t know it. You still don’t know that life will get harder, harder than anything Mommy and Daddy’s will alone can overcome. But I believe you will be better able to face those hardships if you have a grounding in the fierce love and security that we can give you only now, while you’re this little. Forgive us that we want to shelter you from every unpleasantness, even if sometimes, that sheltering means that we aren’t entirely forthcoming with the hard truths. There is a time for complete honesty. I feel that time approaching ever faster. But it is not here yet. No, not yet.
Happy Birthday my sweet, sweet boy. I love you with all my heart, a heart that was born into being three years ago today.

My love always,
Mommy

On Couponing Part II

Few people keep track of their every expenditure. When most of us set a budget, there’s more estimation than hard numbers involved. That’s why I think most people don’t realize just how much money they spend on dining out. In our house, we are well aware of how much of our money goes to restaurants. This is not due to any diligence, thriftiness, or financial conscientiousness on my part. Trust me, I’m not patting myself on the back here. No, the reason we know is because Michael has a computer program that tells us. Nothing makes my husbands little heart go pitter patter like a program that can do something with minimal effort from him. So I always know if, let’s say, my monthly smoothie or DQ blizzard expenditure, is in the high range. Give me another month of pregnancy and that helpful little informational tidbit likely will get him a broken nose. Suffice it to say, our household is likely not the norm when it comes to accounting.
Let’s say you go to a restaurant and order your usual. It’s $6.99. You think that you can’t even buy a meal’s worth of groceries for that cheap. I’d question that, but let’s examine just how much you’re really spending on that dinner out. That $6.99 does not include your drink. If you order anything but water from the tap, you’re paying extra, and soft drinks can be as much as nearly three dollars. Plus, if you’re eating out with your spouse, you also have to figure in their order. That’s probably at least $6.99 times two. Oh yeah, and an additional drink. Then let’s say your finished with your meal and you notice the dessert card on the table. Now you’re tempted. Even if you and your spouse split dessert, you’re still probably talking another seven dollars. And then, you’ve got to add at least fifteen percent to your total bill for the tip. If you add all that up, it comes to a lot more than $6.99. And let me assure you, you can make dinner at home for cheaper than what that meal cost you.
Now let’s be clear, I’m not knocking dining out. Michael and I probably eat out at least twice a week, some weeks more than that. And then there’s the afore mentioned smoothie or ice cream runs. But there are some ways to economize even when eating out. Perhaps surprisingly, I don’t put coupons in this list. I have found restaurant coupons to be of very little help in lowering my bottom line cost. They are almost always restrictive in terms of the days, times, or dishes applicable, and there’s almost always some catch. Free appetizer, then in smaller print, “with the purchase of any meal over $12.99.” No thank you. But there are other ways to save money at restaurants. Ordering water is one way. Another way is to eat at restaurants that don’t require a server. In Bowling Green, Michael and I like Panera, Griff’s Deli, Baker Bros. Cafe, and Buckhead café. You’re guaranteed to save fifteen percent by eating out this way. Another way to save, which I admit I have not made full use of, is to eat at places where kids eat free. Some places have kids-eat-free nights through the week. This is great for us since we foolishly continue to order food for Sprout in full knowledge that he won’t eat a bite of it. Still, it seems wrong somehow not to feed him. Sometimes we just let him eat off our plates, which saves money too. When you do eat out, make sure to bring home leftovers for lunch the next day. You paid a pretty penny for that meal after all. Might as well get your money’s worth. Leftovers in general are my best money and time saving advice.
My next money-saving tip is to cut down on the amount of household cleansers you use. I hear my mother gasping in horror already. Did you know that most ammonia-based cleaners call for no more than a capful of cleaner per gallon of water? I’m pretty sure I never saw my mother pour in less than a full cup in my entire life. And I did the same for a long time, but no more. Really, it’s ammonia, a capful is plenty. Also, since it is ammonia, generic will do just as well. If you really want the lemon scent, add some lemon essential oil. It’s the same thing, and the generic is ridiculously cheap. If you have the time, you can make your own cleansers from common household products. Those have the benefit of not only being economical, but also environmentally friendly. The one thing everyone should have in their household cleaning arsenal is a plastic coated sponge. With one of these and just a little determination, one can cut back drastically on the cleansers. That scouring pad will cut through more grease than Dawn ever dreamed of. The plastic coated ones are safe for almost all surfaces or cookware. I use them on dishes, countertops, and in the bathrooms. Never underestimate the cleaning power of water. Water is a mild acid after all. When coupled with a scouring pad and just a little bit of cleanser, the result can shock you. Using more than the recommended amount of cleanser does not get your house or clothes cleaner. In fact, it weakens the fabric by causing a build up of residue. Trust me here, and adopt a “less is more” approach.
I am not anti-coupon. I find some coupons to be very helpful. I just made out like a bandit at Toys R Us for Sprout’s birthday with the help of store coupons. I also use coupons from places I regularly go, namely Kroger and Target. Kroger allows you to go online and add coupons digitally to your membership card. We’ve found this very helpful when coupled with a thoroughly planned weekly menu. And I do keep an ear out for sales. I recently got an Oreck steam mop for sixty-nine dollars. It works great, is more convenient than mopping, and uses no cleansers whatever. A win all around. If you have other suggestions for saving money, feel free to share them in the comments. Talking with others is hands down the best way I’ve found to identify money saving opportunities.

On Couponing

As a stay at home mom, I consider one of my duties to be economizing our household expenditures. I must tell you now that I am a words person, not a numbers person. Anything dealing with money makes me anxious. At restaurants, I break out in a sweat just trying to calculate the tip. So it’s no surprise that I try to keep my money saving methods as simple as possible. I don’t use spread sheets, flow charts, or even a calculator. My goal is simple: Just try and keep the bottom line as low as possible. To that end, I recently embarked on a couponing experiment. The results? Mixed, at best.
I have always been, let’s call it suspicious, of the benefits of coupons. The goal of a coupon after all is to get you into a particular store for the sole purpose of relieving you of your money. It has the appearance of being beneficial to the consumer, kind of in the same way that credit cards have the appearance of being generous to the card holder. But with the cost of everything going up, I figured coupons were worth a try.
And I did try. I joined Facebook groups, signed up for Email alerts, and subscribed to online couponing sites. Obviously, perusing the Sunday paper is not an option for me, so I had to begin elsewhere. There were challenges unique to me in that many of the coupon Emails are just scanned images of a print coupon. Not helpful in the slightest. I was a little disheartened, but I soldiered on just the same. Then I found another unique to me challenge, although with the price of gas climbing ever higher, it may not be a problem exclusive to non-driving consumers. I found that the phrase “bargain hunting” is an apt one in that one does have to actively hunt, often driving all over a city, to redeem the best coupons. I’m thinking that what one gains in savings, one has already lost in gasoline and that not insubstantial commodity, time. Needless to say, I didn’t go in for the cross town coupon scavenger hunt, so I can’t speak to the effectiveness of the method, but I suspect it would go something like this:
You have a coupon for $1.50 off brand name make-up remover wipes. You don’t use said wipes and have been doing just fine with soap and water, but you have the coupon, so what the hell. You drive to Walgreens to redeem your coupon. No, you have no other reason for going to Walgreens, but hey, a dollar fifty is a dollar fifty. So you proudly carry your coupon into Walgreens. Now, if you’re a stay at home mom with a small child, you’re also dragging your child into Walgreens. There is an odd phenomenon that I have observed in drug stores. It doesn’t matter what you have to buy in the store, you inevitably have to walk through the toy aisle to get there. If you have a toddler in tow, you’re going to spend more time and money in that aisle than you bargained for. So once you finally have your child quiet, pacified with some overpriced piece of Chinese-made plastic crap, then you can proceed to the make-up section. Then you find your wipes, for which you have the all important coupon. But then you notice next to the wipes a new product. I don’t know, let’s say it’s the latest guaranteed anti-wrinkle cream. You are given to believe that this stuff must have been engineered by NASA. Or maybe by garden fairies. Lo and behold there’s a mirror hanging from the rack. How helpful. You take a look. There you are-- ratty ponytail, no make up, stained T-shirt, and all of it illuminated by the glow of fluorescent lights. You are totally going home with that wrinkle cream. So you get to the counter. Your make-up remover wipes, with your $1.50 off coupon has cost you $37.63.
I’d like to share a few of the money saving tips that I’ve learned. I hope you find them helpful. I’ll never be one of those women who leaves the grocery store with two loaded down carts for which she paid only six dollars, but these are tips that fit into my lifestyle with it’s time, vehicular mobility, and third trimester-energy constraints. Use or disregard as your own lifestyle demands.
Let’s talk groceries. The best way to save money at the grocery store is simply not to buy non-essentials. Sure, Diet Coke might be on sale, but water is free and has no calories. Invest in a good water filter, either a pitcher filter or one for your fridge’s water dispenser. You don’t like the taste of water? Well, get used to it. Drinking water is simply a habit that you develop over time. Try adding lemon or cucumber slices for a little flavor if you really have to. Cut out snack foods, or at least cut back on them. Potato chips and snack cakes are expensive. Honestly, you don’t need them. Cut them out. Sure, we occasionally buy a bag of chips as a side for sandwiches, but it’s not a regular purchase. It’s true that healthy food is more expensive, but cutting out nutrition-lite snack foods is good for both health and wallet. The second most important tip for grocery shopping is to buy generic. We typically shop at Kroger, and find the Kroger brand to be as good as if not better than the higher priced brand name varieties. We buy Kroger brand organic vegetables for the same price as non-organic brand vegetables. Sure, everybody has brands they are loyal too, a loyalty built over years of trial and error, and I’m not saying you should abandon your darlings (I’m thinking toilet paper specifically here), but if you haven’t already, give the generic brands a try. You can always go back to your old faithfuls. You’ll learn where to stay true and where to stray from your own beaten path. Here’s another important tip: Never go to the grocery store without a list. That way, you can plan meals for both nutritional balance and economy. For example, if I’m planning to make homemade pizza, which I usually make with homemade pesto sauce, then you can bet that in the same week, we’ll be having some kind of pasta with pesto sauce. I’ll have the pesto sauce already made for the pizza, so this is a savings of both time and money. Same thing with hamburger buns. If we’re having burgers, we’ll probably be having fish stick sandwiches to utilize the remaining buns. Admittedly, the nutritional value of fish sticks is suspect, but hey, I’m not about to make a big meal to-do every night.
Since this post is getting a little long, I’ll leave you with those thoughts for now. Come back tomorrow and we’ll talk about dining out, reducing the amount of household cleansers you use, and the few ways I have actually made coupons work for me.